when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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