My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You can't just leave with hair like that
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
