i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
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