Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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