Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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