What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
