just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize