god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
