Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
