Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
