Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
