Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
