I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize