i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
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