last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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