at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
