I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize