Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
