Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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