My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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