Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
