in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
