My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
