apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Sorry about my life...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
