I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
