You surviving the open bar?
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I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
