someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
