Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I think i got beer on your cat.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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