i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize