Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize