Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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