Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
