Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize