My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
