I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
