i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
