My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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