Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize