wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
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