I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
