drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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