super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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