I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
