You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
