Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
