I cannot find my penis.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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