I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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