OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You are the jesus of drinking
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
