Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
