He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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