I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
