just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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