Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
