I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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