Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So gin and wine won't be happening again
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
