Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
