Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Im part way to drunk.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
